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EDGARTOWN, Mass. I have been making a real effort to follow my heart and to build my own confidence from within. I had not seen my husband for a couple weeks until last night… I had been planning on divorce, but now I’m not 100% sure. It’s funny/interesting/strange/surprising/wonderful how much food has affected us. I have cleared my sights and my spirit so much through raw food, and it seems to have made us less compatible on the surface.
I just don’t know how deep that goes. My question now is not so much if I can/want to/should/will be with him… It’s more about me. Can I be ME with him? And ME… who is that??? Well, it’s NOT the “me” I was before I went raw! It’s the “me” that was inside wanting to get out. It’s the perfectly authentic and goofy, wacky me that is also passionate and serious at times. It’s the me that is compassionate and patient and loving. It’s the me that doesn’t even want a drop of coffee or alcohol these days, that doesn’t think it’s fun to blow smoke rings and relax with my former cigarette, the “stylish” Nat Sherman Hint of Mints that used to sometimes accompany me for a night out… I’m still not even sure of how many things about me are still brewing inside!
If I can be THAT ever-changing and not the formerly ranging percentages of blocked/clouded/angry/etc. me, then I would love to be with him. But if that former shell of anger and clouds surfaces even a touch by having him around, then, well… Thanks, but no thanks.
In the meantime, he’s not sleeping here. He’ll be my New Year’s date tonight… and a date on some other nights until his role in my life becomes more clear and/or solid.
So, cheers to embracing myself! And cheers to people in my life who can embrace me as me!
